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White men can't date
Except for the star lead and the feature length, Hitch would barely earn the grade of an old-time "B" movie. Director Andy Tennant (Sweet Home Alabama) backs Smith up with Eva Mendes, Kevin James and Adam Arkin—not exactly household names. Playing both co-producer and cupid, Smith shoots himself in the foot. Smith's Alex "Hitch" Hitchens runs a lucrative business coaching men on how to win the women of their dreams. For Alex, dating is all about The Game. "No guile, no game, no girl" is his motto. In Alex's step-by-step plan, even the chick-challenged can succeed in dating without really trying. Yes, you too can bring home your own supermodel. In a role not so different from his Legend of Bagger Vance, Smith once again plays an upright enabler/wizard for Anglo men in need. Alex is hip and suave, a black fairy godfather who transforms nerdy white guys into Romeos. His latest project is Albert (Kevin James), a chubby financial consultant who loves a blond heiress (Amber Valletta) from afar. Valetta looks like Cameron Diaz, sounds a little like Cameron Diaz, but is no Cameron Diaz. Apart from the smooth, affable Smith, Tennant's casting choices are a mismatch. The Cuban-born Mendes appeared as Denzel Washington's wife in Training Day. Here she's asked to take a second-string Jennifer Lopez role and carry the load as a romantic lead. I'm no scientist, but there's more chemistry between Smith and James then there is between Smith and Mendes. This movie wears its "metrosexual" heart on its tailored sleeve. Tennant makes a point to spotlight a bloop instructional kiss between Smith and James that takes place in broad daylight on a busy Manhattan street. Along with this bone thrown to gay audiences (albeit attached to a string—Smith's disgust) are two gay characters who flutter on the sidelines, offering advice to their hopelessly heterosexual friends. Mendes plays Sara, a newspaper gossip columnist who's written off true love. On their first date, Hitch straps Sara into a Jet ski and they motor over to a date on Ellis Island. Hitch may be the only guy in New York City to think immigration records are sexy. En route, Hitch and Sara take a dip in the Hudson River, and surprisingly don't need to be quarantined afterwards. Moored to a leaky script, Smith seems desperately in search of a special effect or two that might keep him above water. For a minor supporting actor, James (from TV's The King of Queens) gets premium screen time as Albert. While Hitch sets Albert straight on how to dance, he morphs from klutz into Casanova. Instead of Mendes, Tennant should have dunked James in the Hudson—and left him there. If the two bland romances aren't enough for you, neophyte writer Kevin Bisch tacks on a contrived complication that opens up the date doctor to charges of moral malpractice. Hitch is a half-hearted attempt at a Valentine's Day date movie. Blind dates are one thing, but dumb and blind movies are another. Respond: letters@boulderweekly.com
Fists of fury
Three years in production, Ong-Bak has the beefed-up structure of a heroic quest. The muscular Jaa plays Ting, a village youth with a pure heart and a boundless talent for climbing trees. Ting springs into action when a Bangkok crook steals the village's statue of Buddha. To add insult to injury, the thief makes off with only the statue's head. Ting's secret weapon is Muay Thai, an ancient martial art of "nine body weapons." Teaming up with a con artist (Petchthai Wongkamlao), Ting is forced to unleash all those skills in underworld Bangkok. The trail leads to a kick-boxing den of inequity, lorded over by a godless mobster (Sukhaaw Phongwilai) who can only talk through an electronic voice box. Spectacular to the point of surreal, Jaa's footloose feats were performed without benefit of wires or camera tricks. Director Prachya Pinkaew wraps the action with a minimum of editing, making the reality of Jaa's jaw-dropping moves all the more impressive. Contrasted with traditional Chinese kung fu, Thai martial arts puts the stress on furious ballet-like leaps—and more flying elbows than an NBA game. Just to make sure you don't miss the Jaa detonations, Pinkaew hits you with instant replays from different angles. A man on a mission, the laconic Jaa doesn't fool around with chitchat or Jackie Chan-style slapstick. Except for the subtitles, there are few concessions to Western tastes. At times the violence is so gnarly that it may make audiences flinch. When Ting's competitors in a tree-climbing contest fall to the ground, those thuds sound bruisingly real. Inspired by the martial-arts films of Chan and Thailand's Phanna Rithikrai, Jaa could be on the verge of a major career as an international action star. Strong, acrobatic and blessed with the agility of a leopard, Jaa teamed up with his mentor Rithikrai to choreograph the fights. Fans of Sam Peckinpah movies might be reminded of Bring Me the Head of Alfredo Garcia. If you substitute a stone head and add martial arts, you might have Ong-Bak: Thai Warrior. Among the many foes that Ting must face is a behemoth called Big Bear, whose disrespect for Thai fighters earns him our hero's wrath. The bigger they are, the harder they fall, especially when it comes to Ting's whirling-dervish, corkscrew moves that send Big Bear back to his cave on all fours. Forget Spider-Man, X-Men and the other comic-book poseurs. Tony Jaa is a flesh-and-blood movie superhero. For pure chop-socky entertainment, I haven't had such a kick since Jackie Chan was in his prime. Thomas Delapa reviews the latest movies on KUVO (FM 89.3) Fridays at 8:40 a.m. Respond: letters@boulderweekly.com
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Will Smith might be the king of the summer special-effects
blockbuster, but he's just a commoner when it comes to romantic comedy. Hitch
sets out to hook up the Men in Black star with date-movie cred. Dumping robots
and aliens, Smith takes up practice as a New York City "date doctor" whose own
love life is in critical condition.
I have seen the future of martial-arts movies, and his name
is Tony Jaa. Thailand's biggest box-office hit of 2003, Ong-Bak: The Thai
Warrior busts into U.S. theaters feet-first and with fists flying. Hapless
seekers of Iraq's weapons of mass destruction should have started with Jaa's
knuckles.
