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The savior of self-flagellation
Gather ye yeast and flour and dish out a big pancake breakfast this Tuesday, for Wednesday the springtime Christian rite of privation begins. Pick your pleasure, and for the next month deny yourself of it. Sure, there are the old staples–chocolate, sex, cigarettes, red meat–but what self-respecting self-flagellater wants to be cliché? It’s too bad that God only gave us 10 commandments to deny ourselves earthly pleasure with. Until now, that is. Turns out there were even more than the 15 of biblical record (counting the five that "Butterfingers" Moses dropped). According to the good folks at www.mindworkshop.com/ alchemy/command.html, there are actually 110 commandments (so it looks like Roy Moore is going to have to gather more marble). Include these gems among the prohibitions you can incorporate into your holiday denial: "Thou shalt not address a sock on your hand as ‘Alfonse,’" "Thou shalt not knowingly eat tofu," "Thou shalt not develop innovative new uses for sheep," "Thou shalt not exhibit liberal tendencies" and "Thou shalt not put ice-nine in the Slushy machine." Of course, you should use reason when picking your penance, especially concerning commandments such as "Thou shalt not surf the Net in your underwear." Come on. Even Catholics and Hindu monks have their limits. Respond: letters@boulderweekly.com
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