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Hang time You would think that the majority of letters I get from men about orgasm timing would have to do with premature ejaculation. But the bulk of the letters are from men who aren't able to have an orgasm during intercourse. What's particularly upsetting to these men is that they can usually come when they are masturbating. Some are even able to ejaculate when they are receiving oral sex. But good luck hocking up a wad when the dog's in the bun, so to speak. This condition is called delayed or retarded ejaculation. It basically means that during intercourse, the EveryReady Bunny is in complete and total awe of you. The first thing a guy with delayed ejaculation wants to do is to rule out any medical problems that might be contributing, such as Multiple Sclerosis. However, if a man is able to have an orgasm while masturbating, it is unlikely that there is a medical cause. He should also make sure that medications such as antidepressants aren't causing the delay. And he should definitely have a medical exam if the problem has had a rapid onset without him experiencing any new emotional stressors in his life. In the vast majority of cases, the problem is psychological. Some men have had it since the first time they had intercourse. In others, there might be a specific cause that they can trace it to, such as when a guy finds out that his wife or girlfriend has been having sex with not only his best friend, but maybe his brother and father as well. You get the picture. One of the ways to treat the problem has to do with changing the man's routine so it causes him to feel more anxiety. That's because in cases of delayed ejaculation, familiarity helps the penis grow more numb, while a bit of anxiety adds to the body's level of sexual excitement. He and his partner might try having sex in new and unusual places, at different times, and in different ways—anything to increase his feelings of anxiety, or maybe just feelings in general. If the guy is a total control freak, what would happen if his partner tied him up and took over during sex? It might help free up some sexual feelings, assuming the lack of control didn't cause him to have a psychotic meltdown. Even little changes in routine might help. For instance, if he's the one who inserts his penis during intercourse, his partner should try taking over that duty. Another thing to try is for him to have intercourse for a minute or two, and then pull out and start masturbating for a bit, and then put it back in for intercourse. In other words, try to get his body to generalize the feelings from masturbation to intercourse. He might also try to masturbate to the point of where he is almost ready to have an ejaculation and then try to finish off while inside his partner. The last thing he should do is pump harder or faster during intercourse. This simply numbs out the penis even more. Here's an interesting take on the situation from a reader who has had the problem for most of his life: "When I first started having sex I thought it was great to have such stamina, but being able to go all night has lost its luster for me. I have found that what my wife does to me is not as important as what I do to her. Going down on her really seems to help. The smell and taste, and the way she reacts all contribute, and when I finish with her, it usually doesn't take very long for me to get off." Since each man and couple is different, talk it over and see what you can come up with. And if you aren't able to make any progress on your own, go to the website of the American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists (www.AASECT.org). Paul Joannides is the author of Guide To Getting It On, The Universe's Coolest & Most Informative Book on Sex. You can contact Paul at www.GoofyFootPress.com. Copyright © 2005 by Paul Joannides Respond: letters@boulderweekly.com |
