Metal by numbers

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by Vince Darcangelo (buzz@boulderweekly.com)

So, apparently May is metal month—at least according to VH1. I'm not sure how official that is, considering that I, the ultimate expert on rockology, wasn't consulted, but at least it's provided metalheads with a month's worth of head-pounding programming—even if it is unsanctioned. And sure enough, in its effort to reduce the entire human experience into a chronological list, last week, in honor of metal month, VH1 premiered yet another countdown show: 40 Greatest Metal Songs.

The pop-culture clearinghouse—home of CelebReality, Flavor Flav and crossover porn maidens and professional wrestlers—was taunting High Decibel, begging for a response. The metal gauntlet was thrown.

Well, game on, VH1.

The music-themed Nick at Nite will not have the final word on the ultimate Top 40 chart of hard rock. I won't have it. So here is my breakdown of the hits, misses and "What were they smoking?" moments from VH1's 40 Greatest Metal Songs.

First of all, I have to take off my leopard-skin headband and bow to VH1 for some choices they made that broke with convention, defying expectations regardless of the potential blowback from the metal mob. These were unexpected songs peppered into the list that surprised even me. These include Faith No More's "Epic," Rage Against the Machine's "Bulls on Parade" and Anthrax and Public Enemy's rap-rock duo on "Bring the Noise."

All of these songs are deserving of any Top 40 list, but what makes them surprising is that they fall on the fringes of hardcore. As any metalhead knows, heavy metal is a very exclusive, by-the-numbers genre. There's little room for deviance. Fuck with formula and you'll find yourself demoted to a modern-rock radio station quicker than you can download pics of Pete Wentz' penis on the Internet. So, including Faith No More, Rage Against the Machine and the Anthrax/Public Enemy hybrid selections was gutsy as those bands all incorporated hip-hop with heavy metal long before it was cool to play rap-rock.

More kudos are in order for VH1's willingness to select unique songs to represent obligatory bands. No doubt the list had to include Def Leppard, Anthrax, Skid Row, Mštley Crüe and KISS. But can you guess which songs they chose from each band? You could rattle off the expected track list ("Rock of Ages," "Indians," "Youth Gone Wild," "Looks That Kill" and "Rock and Roll All Nite" respectively), but you'd be wrong.

They chose to include less-likely offerings, ranging from the small surprises (Anthrax's "Caught in a Mosh") to the downright esoteric (Def Leppard's "High 'n' Dry (Saturday Night)"). They went vintage with the Crüe ("Live Wire"), but vied for hardcore legitimacy with KISS ("Detroit, Rock City") and Skid Row ("Slave to the Grind").

But for all the left curves VH1 threw our way, they honored tradition by offering up a number of very-much-expected selections that, well, they didn't surprise any one, but you also can't argue against them. These include songs by Judas Priest ("You've Got Another Thing Coming"), Scorpions ("Rock You Like a Hurricane"), Motorhead ("Ace of Spades") and Megadeth ("Peace Sells... But Who's Buying?").

What I will argue against are the two picks for Guns 'n' Roses on this list: "Paradise City" and "Welcome to the Jungle." If we're really talking about the top 40 greatest metal songs, and not the greatest metal songs to make rotation on MTV in 1988, then the G'n'R picks should have been "Rocket Queen" and "It's So Easy." That would have caused a metalhead or two to spit up his Stroh's.

Lastly, my biggest complaint is Black Sabbath's "Iron Man" being number 1 on the list. Sure, it's the classic metal riff, but the top spot should have gone to a more deserving song. Drawing from the pool of 40 songs that VH1 selected, I've narrowed the options down to four: Iron Maiden's "Run to the Hills," Mštley Crüe's "Live Wire," Anthrax/Public Enemy's "Bring the Noise" and Metallica's "Master of Puppets."

All worthy competitors. Both "Run to the Hills" and "Live Wire" contain legendary screams worthy of the top spot, but I would have to give the nod to "Live Wire" though, as it incorporated more blood, fire and demonic imagery into the music video—and since this is a metal countdown, presentation counts. However, "Live Wire" gets totally crushed by Anthrax/Public Enemy's "Bring the Noise."

"Bring the Noise" would certainly be a worthy number 1, but sadly, it will have to settle for being an overqualified number 2. Hands-down, Metallica's "Master of Puppets," a brutal treatise on cocaine addiction, is absolutely the most hardcore, head-banging song on this list.

Overall, I give the list a "B." VH1 is running out of kitsch commentators and recent history to rehash, but still 40 Greatest Metal Moments made an effort to surprise even diehard metalheads. In the countdown list of Greatest VH1 Countdown Shows, I'd rank it at number 7, right between 40 Most Awesomely Bad Breakup Songs and 100 Cheesetastic Video Tricks Exposed.

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