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Smash and stash
- - - - - - - - - - - - Boulder's own Doug Greene, the ultra-successful founder of New Hope Communications and former publisher of the late great Boulder Planet, was discouraged to learn that I had managed to stay out of jail for 30-some years. Greene, my boss's boss back then, looked me in the eyes and said this: Few men achieve greatness without at least one arrest before age 30. It's not as if I hadn't tried. Long before turning 30, in my youthful ignorance, I sometimes drove having drunk. I was stopped more than once, but never arrested. I once drove on expired plates for 18 months. Not even a ticket. In college, I blew off a traffic fine and a cop showed up with a warrant for my arrest. No luck. My idiot roommate paid the fine and convinced the cop to leave me at the dorm. When I unlawfully disposed of garbage in Washington, D.C., a judge dismissed the case and admonished a cop for searching through my trash bags. As loyal readers know, my last attempt at getting arrested was another abysmal failure. When I stole piled-up windows from property belonging to Paul Wenig and Leslie Rosenburg, I did so with wanton disregard for the needs and feelings of people who serve on Boulder's Landmarks Preservation Advisory Board. I committed my thievery in broad daylight with full intent to deprive city officials of windows they dearly loved. The historic board had ordered Wenig and Rosenburg to re-install the rotting, dangerous windows—covered in peeling lead paint—in violation of the city's own building code. Before the couple had time to comply, I took the windows, crushed them and told the mayor he could find the remains right next to Jimmy Hoffa's corpse. No arrest! Go figure. So here I sit, way past 30, still cranking words for The Man. Greene spoke truth, and I'm living proof. Mr. Greene, meet Megan Forbes and invest. Megan is the anti-Wayne. I'm a beer-guzzling wage slave with utter contempt for abusive politicos. Megan's a church-going dietician with nothing but respect for city hall. She's pre 30-something and has no trouble getting arrested. She will make it big. The morning of April 9, Megan was dressed in her Sunday best, probably thinking kind thoughts about our city leaders. Knock, knock, knock. Megan opened the door, expecting to find the aunt and uncle who would be taking her to church that day. Instead, she found a Boulder cop. He had a warrant for her arrest. Megan was hauled to jail, where she spent much of the day. Megan's crime? She had accidentally annoyed the very same Landmarks board that I intentionally insulted. Like some 1,200 other Boulder homeowners, including Wenig and Rosenburg, Megan lives in a historic district. She has a tiny garage in the alley, and the old sliding garage door was impossible to lock. So she bought a new door and installed it. Unbeknownst to Megan, the door she replaced wasn't really hers—even though she had paid hundreds of thousands of dollars for the property. The house, the garage—all of it—belongs to city hall. I say "belongs" because without the Landmarks board's approval, Megan has absolutely no rights regarding her property. Suspicious that Megan hadn't sought the board's approval, some pathetic jackass loser of a neighbor ratted her out in September. Megan was summoned to court. Having learned that her home and garage aren't really hers, Megan began cooperating with a subcommittee of the Landmarks board, which told her exactly how to make the new door more to their liking. Believing she had complied with the city's demands, Megan forgot about the court summons, failed to appear and wound up in jail. "They couldn't arrest you, Wayne, because you didn't deprive the city of those windows. You deprived a property owner, who didn't complain," said my good friend Leland Rucker, a former Boulder Weekly editor who sits on the Landmarks board. "No, Leland, I deprived the city of those windows," I replied. "It's the city that controlled the windows and had the authority to decide their fate. So whose windows were they, really? They were the city's windows. You know it, and I know it." "Should I explain that to the city attorney?" Leland asked, jokingly. Historic preservation, when initiated by property owners, is wonderful. When imposed by government, however, preservation usually means abusive control. Some 1,200 Boulder homes are already in the control of bureaucrats who've shown themselves all too happy to abuse power. A map in the Boulder Valley Comprehensive Plan shows "potential" historic districts that would put half of all Boulder homes under the city's control. The city even has eyes on Martin Acres—a neighborhood of '60s-era tract homes—for historic designation. History tells us that nations collapse without private property rights. But have no fear. When half of Boulder's a "landmark," you can call me if you want a working door, or safe and efficient windows. Heck, call me to exchange an outhouse for indoor plumbing. Outhouses are historic, by any measure, and you'll need my help. Do not attempt home improvements alone. Call the arrest-proof man. I smash, and I stash, and I don't ask for cash. Respond: letters@boulderweekly.com |
