New York's finest travel in style. Whether it be horses, motorcycles, helicopters or speedboats, cops in the Big Apple have always harassed their citizens with grace and dignity. However, that's all about to change.

The NYPD is considering issuing Segways to their officers as modes of transportation. Not to be confused with the popular linguistic device, segues, which allow humans to easily move from one topic of conversation to another, Segways are the two-wheeled, battery-powered vehicles invented for people who fear sitting down but refuse to do all the nasty walking that normally accompanies the upright position. Americans with chronic hemorrhoids are particularly fond of them.

The NYPD argues that Segways are efficient and dignified vehicles for law enforcement officials. And if the Segways don't work out, they plan to contact the Absent-Minded Professor and see if he can make a flying car for them using flubber technology.

Working for the Colorado secretary of state is a total drag. Who wants the thankless job of spending months preparing for a general election, only to have critics dissing your every move?

Well, working for Secretary of State Mike Coffman became even more of a bummer for state election workers last week when Coffman issued a decree that now prohibits these workers from engaging in overt partisan political activity.

We appreciate the concern. Coffman's change came on the heels of controversy with an election worker who sold voter information. But, Secretary Coffman, if you're going to demand that your election workers walk down the straight and narrow path, you've gotta lead the way.

It turns out that Coffman spoke at a Republican fundraiser in Grand Junction one day after he issued the executive order. Gee, we wonder where Colorado state employees ever got the idea that it's OK to engage in partisan activities.

After Bush pulled the plug on Congress' first Iraq war spending bill, which included a timetable for withdrawal, Congress went back to the drawing board. We haven't really heard much from Democrats about the new Iraq plan, nor do we really expect to. But we're glad to see that Congress has moved on to more important matters that are gravely concerning to this nation's future — issues that could impact our country's amphibian population.

Last week, the U.S. Senate passed a bill that would lift the ban on sales of baby turtles, or turtles smaller than four-inches long. The House will consider the bill sometime in June.

The FDA banned the shelled critters in the '70s due to salmonella concerns. Apparently, small children were putting the small turtles in their mouths and contracting the disease.

At the very least, the House should do some empirical testing before they consider this bill. But what kind of person would knowingly subject their child to such a risk? Our nation's future is too precious. Fortunately, the FDA happens to have a giant adult child just down the street.

Oh, George...

The Department of Motor Vehicles should have its own layer of hell. Now, thanks to former-Gov. Owens' administration, that layer just got a little closer to the bottom ring of Dante's Inferno.

After six years of work on a new computer system, and $8 million, it turns out that the software is seriously jacked. This isn't the first problem computer system that's come out of the Owens administration, but rather the fifth. Yes, that's right — five. Previous computer-system failures have impacted welfare recipients, the unemployed and road workers looking for their paychecks.

Interestingly enough, it's been the poor who have been disproportionately affected by the computer software hijinks. Now, it looks like all Coloradans will experience the ineptitude of the Owens administration.

Call us crazy, but something tells us that these most recent computer problems will actually get fixed — fast.

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