A progressive fine

Far, far away, across wave after rolling wave of frigid Atlantic, is a snow covered land of wonder and mid-priced vodka-a land called Finland. And in that magical, chilly but very-real country lives a young prince of sorts, Jaakko Rytsola, whose domination of the multimillion dollar dot-com industry is rivaled only by his joyful mastery of the dreaded traffic fine. A few weeks ago, on the night of Oct. 30, he proudly broke the unofficial but uncontested record for the highest traffic fine in history-a record of $42,000 that he himself held for zigzagging through Helsinki-with a fine of $70,470 for speeding.

What kind of fairy dust did Rytsola pour into his tank before hitting the road to reel in a five-figure speeding ticket? Surprisingly, none. Traffic fines in Finland are based on a driver's income, and as Rytsola himself unabashedly explained in his regular newspaper column, he was only traveling a piston-purring 40 mph in a ho-hum 25 mph zone. Regardless of his offense, the wealthy 27-year-old surely took his love of the road to the big time with a distinctive sense of flair. And for this, those out-of-style road enthusiasts among us at the Boulder Weekly proudly salute him and wish him the best of luck, or should we say worst of luck, in all his future run-ins with Johnny Law.

You'll no doubt recall the panic that attended last month's revelation that a strain of genetically-modified corn, with the salt-of-the-earth, good-ol' farm name StarLink, was used in a brand of corn tacos. This was a problem, because while the EPA had approved the stuff for livestock, it hadn't approved StarLink for human consumption, since the agency still wasn't convinced that the Frankenfood wouldn't have a deleterious effect on people. The result was a massive recall of the tainted tacos, which caused more than a little inconvenience.

Leave it to the folks in the agribusiness industry to come up with a fair, sane answer, which they presented to the EPA earlier this week. Since keeping Frankencorn segregated from the normal variety is difficult, and could potentially result in fiascoes like last month's, the solution is simple: Approve StarLink corn for human consumption. Problem solved.

Thank God for our corporate leaders, who always have our best interests in mind. Expected soon: a study revealing the beneficial effects of the greenhouse gases sputtered out by SUVs (more CO2 for plants! Less of that pesky ozone! Quicker, darker suntans!).

Worried you won't find enough time to buy a gift for every member of the extended family before Chanukah, Christmas or Kwanzaa rolls around? Well, retailers are-and unlike you, their concern isn't the happiness of all the little tykes. "Black Friday," the post-Thanksgiving shopping melee, can determine whether a store ends the year in the red or the black, and this year, sales on this monumental day were only up 4.6 percent from last year-a bit of a dip from the 6.2 percent increase of a year ago. Startlingly, the economy is nearly as strong as it was last year at this same time. But according to the Washington Post, shoppers may be nervous about "a downturn in the financial markets, lingering uncertainty over the presidential election and higher prices for gasoline and home heating oil."

But come now, children: Are we focusing our attention where it's due? Is mass consumption really the sole indicator of success during the holiday season? Our nation's obsession with the number of presents we get and give has wrapped something beautifully intangible in a tidy package and put a price tag on it. And all at the same time we're bombarded with dozens of cheesy movies and countless holiday tunes that proclaim the "real" meaning of the season. What fantastic irony in these two irreconcilable visions of holiday splendor.

In any case, this petite downer in holiday shopping by no means indicates a shift away from consumerism toward a more spiritual idea of holiday happiness. Au contraire: You can bet Internet shopping probably stole a portion of sales this year, and some businesses like Wal-Mart Stores Inc., which reported more than $1 billion in sales during a five hour early shopper blitz on Black Friday, are doing just fine. Joy to the world, indeed.

Still don't think Boulder's traffic bites bad? Here's an update from a Boulder Weekly caller: "I don't hitchhike very often, but my car was being repaired, so I was hitchhiking up Broadway. I'd walk up to an intersection where traffic was stopped, stick my thumb out, see if anyone would stop. If nobody did, I'd just walk another block to the next red light. Well, I was doing this the other day, and at the first intersection, there was this red car. I stuck my thumb out, but they didn't pick me up. The funny thing is, when I walked up a block to the next intersection where the light was red and stuck my thumb out-it was the same red car! It had taken him just as long to drive a block as it took me to walk it. It was even better when I stuck out my thumb at the third light, and I caught up to him again."