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Pirates of Intelligent Design
On the serious tip, Flying Spaghetti Monsterism is a political statement, a reaction to the fundamentalist war on science. Bobby Henderson, amateur pirate and creator of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, has taken up a letter-writing campaign to school boards that are forcing Intelligent Design into the classroom, insisting that they give equal time to his "alternate theory" as well. His website, www.venganza.org, posts not only his letters but also some of the surprising responses he's received from school-board members—not to mention hate mail from those fun-loving fundamentalists. Bottom line: FSM is as valid a theory as Intelligent Design, so if your school board is going to promote "alternate theories," then you'd damn well better include this preternatural noodle man in your curriculum. So popular has the Church become that in February, Villard Books will publish its bible, The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. All proceeds, of course, will go toward the building of a pirate ship (the schematics for which are posted on the website). Your purchasing of the book will not only promote religious tolerance but will also help stop Global Warming (because more pirates equal less Global Warming, duh). Boulder Weekly: When did Flying Spaghetti Monster come to you? Did He make you read through a magic hat like the Mormons? Bobby Henderson: It was the middle of the night, months ago. Details are sketchy, but I vaguely remember being touched by His noodly appendage. BW: In what other incarnations has the Flying Spaghetti Monster appeared? BH: We have hundreds of sightings now—a large number of them scientific. BW: You have a book coming out in February. What can you tell us about it? BH: The book will put to rest the question whether this is a legitimate religion. It's full of evidence supporting His existence. Also there's a fair amount about the role of pirates in world events. Without being cocky, I can realistically predict that the other religions will give up after the FSM book comes out. BW: Do you think it will it outsell the Bible? Will it outsell the Necronomicon? BH: I don't know. I'll be happy if it makes enough to purchase a pirate ship. All proceeds from the book are going toward the pirate ship fund. (Seriously.) BW: What are the fundamental beliefs of Flying Spaghetti Monsterism? BH: The universe was created by the Flying Spaghetti Monster. He alters events to fool us into believing in non-true things like science. He has a fondness for pirates, and so we endeavor to be like pirates. BW: Followers of FSM go by the name Pastafarians. That sounds a lot like Rastafarians. I live in Boulder, so my idea of a Rastafarian is a white guy with dreadlocks who smokes pot, sleeps on your couch and listens to awful jamband music. What are Pastafarians like? (And please, for the love of Flying Spaghetti Monster, tell me they have better taste in music.) BH: Pastafarians are normal people. We tend to be secretive for fear of religious discrimination, so it's very possible you know some already. And our taste in music rules. BW: Like most people, I look to religion to tell me who to hate, discriminate against and vote for. If I convert to Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, whom will I be hating, discriminating against and voting for? BH: You will be disappointed. Pastafarians reject dogma, and we are an open-minded, peaceful religion. BW: How do Pastafarians celebrate the holidays? Is there a special day to give gifts? BH: Every Friday is a religious holiday. It is highly disrespectful to Him to do any work at all on this holy day of sloth. Work and school are not acceptable. Anything constructive is out. Additionally, the entire month of December and much of January is our holiday, named "Holiday." As evidence of how much we've grown over the past few years, look how many schools and businesses refer not to the Christmas season, but instead to the "Holiday" season—a subtle nod to FSM believers. We appreciate the support. BW: Our company gift exchange is on Monday. How can I incorporate Pastafarian traditions into this secular holiday gift exchange? BH: Being around us is gift enough for them (the heathens). Take their gifts, though, just to be polite. BW: Why has the world abandoned piracy as an occupation? Is it those damn hooks? BH: The hooks probably had something to do with it, but mostly it's due to the shrinking amount of natural pirate habitat worldwide. Concerned Pastafarians can set up pirate reserves in their own backyards. I suggest placing grog and/or mead, as well as copious amounts of wenches (hot ones), outside. Pirates will come en masse. BW: How can we convince the youth that piracy is a profitable, rewarding and honest way to make a living? Are pirates underrepresented at career day? BH: The problem is technology. Modern day "pirates" have speedboats and guns, making them not pirates (and thusly not affecting global weather patterns)... Real pirates use swords. BW: What about the Pittsburgh Pirates? Can they help? By my analysis, Global Warming seems to have increased exponentially since third baseman Bill "Mad Dog" Madlock was traded from the Pirates to the Dodgers in 1985. Would putting Mad Dog and his famous beard back on the "hot corner" reverse the effects of Global Warming? BH: See above. BW: I make an amazing pomodoro sauce. I typically serve it with angel hair pasta. Is there some other pasta I should be using? What pasta would Flying Spaghetti Monster recommend for a heavy cream sauce? Or fra diavolo? BH: I really don't know. I'm not a huge fan of pasta. Respond: letters@boulderweekly.com |
In the beginning, He created a mountain, a tree and a
midget. So goes The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. And if you're
looking to save your soul (or just enjoying a nice plate of ravioli), Flying Spaghetti
Monsterism may be the religion you've been looking for. The basic tenets are
simple: The universe was created by a celestial clump of pasta—oh, and
the decline in the world's pirate population is directly responsible for Global
Warming.
