by David Kirby

Let's face it—whoever said, "It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game," is still waiting for their first bowling trophy, so let's not kid ourselves. A 24-hour news cycle that can embrace Kim Jong Il's nuclear weapons, Paris Hilton's cell phone address list and the new Pope's designer footwear in the same 30 seconds doesn't waste bandwidth on the elusive subtleties of life, and neither will we.

We call 'em like we see 'em, kids, so... if you'd be so kind, Jeeves, the envelopes please...

Winners of 2005

Michael Jackson—Captures The O.J. Simpson Memorial Jurisprudential Enigma of the Year Award, moonwalks his way off to long overdue obscurity in Bahrain to plot his comeback. While we're worried there isn't enough SPF 40 in the known universe to keep him from shriveling like a noodle on a gas grill over there, we still want to know how anyone who controls virtually all the Beatles back catalog can actually go broke.

Bono—One-third of Time's Person(s) of the Year and a guy who can still make great records, we wonder if they actually bestow sainthood on anyone with eyewear that ugly.

Neil Diamond—Rick Rubin's latest bit of songwriter redemption, His Eternal Neilness sheds the Vegas paunch, puts out a good record (12 Songs) and grosses almost as much as U2 on tour. So... where's that bottle of Hi-Karate when you need it most?

Jon Stewart—While the pajamas media continues to lapdog for the champions of corporate and political hackery, Stewart lifts his leg on them pretty much every night. Honorable mention to Keith Olberman.

Billie Joe Armstrong—Resurrects punk, Green Day and political rock with a single masterstroke called American Idiot, having come a long way indeed from naming his albums after fecal matter. (Actually, maybe not...)

Bob Dylan—Really hates being a living legend, is one anyway.

50 Cent—Steals the Most Dangerous Rapper crown from Eminem, who got rich without dying and isn't using it anymore.

Ted Koppel—sniff... We're gonna miss that rug. We really are.

Losers of 2005

Michael Brown—Former FEMA Director Michael "Heckuva Job" Brown has his deer-in-the-headlights e-mails released to the world, revealing a man longing wistfully for his days counting liposuction folds in horses' rear ends.

Bill O'Reilly—Falafel Bill and his Avenging Christmas Crusaders, coming to a shower scene near you.

Saddam Hussein—Scowling and pointing and carrying on about the illegitimacy of his court venue, as if anyone cared anymore. Somewhere out there, Tom DeLay is taking notes.

Roger Waters—Sucks it up after 24 years and climbs onstage with his old Pink Floyd bandmates for a Live 8 reunion mini-set. Fans were pleased to see the original band intact again, minus the tour-trim tautness, but everyone knew Rog was only trying to promote interest in his somewhat turgid operatic indulgence, "Ca Ira," and no one believed they'd ever, ever, ever do it again. Ever.

Bill Frist—Brave moments in the evolution of video-diagnoses, as his presidential aspirations circle the drain.

Dick Cheney—Spiro Agnew sends his abundant thanks from the Great Beyond for no longer being the most despised Vice President since cars were invented.

Tom DeLay—Plenty of bugs to squash in the Big House, we're told.

Ashlee Simpson—OK, look, it's just not funny anymore. Make it stop, please?

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