Last year, we here at the Weekly made a number of predictions in this space, all of which came true. As we're sure you remember, a few months ago, city councilman Spense Havlick seized control of the police department, and under his direction our boys in blue abolished the automobile from Boulder's streets. And on the national scene, as you doubtless recall, Bill Bradley and John McCain won their parties' nominations. And who could forget about Hillary Rodham Clinton dumping Bill and losing the New York state senate race?

In the spirit of such unerring foresight, here's our crystal ball for 2001:

Counting poop from outer space
Poop counter Patrick Murphy (News, page 7) will propose an ordinance requiring all dog owners to put tracer pellets in their pets' food, which Murphy could then detect in the piles of poop left on the Sanitas Open Space loop. The pellets would, of course, contain the names and home addresses of those irresponsible owners who failed to pick up after their scatalogical mutts. Those unfortunate souls whose traces Murphy detects would then be required to scrub clean of dog poop a half-mile stretch of trail, using only their bare hands. FIDOS members, he proposes, would have to use their tongues. The benefits, he'll point out, are obvious: a cleaner trail, accountability for pet owners, not to mention free enforcement (Murphy himself will take care of all enforcement himself).

The Boulder city council, however, will reject the plan, citing privacy concerns. "As our dogs' guardians, we need to take a stand here," an incensed councilmember will rant. "This measure would pose a terrible threat to our companion animals' right to intestinal privacy."

Jann Scott's new gig
To Boulder's great joy, public access television host Jann Scott will enter the new year a completely different person. Citing a Christmas night visit from the ghost of JonBenet Ramsey, Scott will announce that he is eschewing all of his past evil ways. He will abandon his cynical, sometimes slanderous style, and dedicate his show to highlighting all of the positive goings-on here in our fine county. He will denounce as "amateurish and pathetic" his past attempts at self-promotion and fame.

Fortunately for Scott, his change of heart will coincide nicely with a job opening at a local radio station that shares his newfound earnestness and politically correct liberal values. Boulder, meet the new Jann Scott, program director at KWAB AM.

Pet the homeless
Boulderites will find a sentimental abyss in their hearts filled in 2001. The city council will finally acknowledge that some people just can't bear to be mere guardians to their canines and felines; they want to own pets, dammit, not just guard their companions. Councilmembers will sense the opportunity to kill two birds with one stone when they remember that the homeless shelter is still in dire straits, since they denied its bid to move to a larger facility across from CU's campus.

The solution will speak volumes about the ingenuity and compassion of our elected leaders: People who really want to be the owner of a breathing being will be able to adopt a homeless person from the shelter. Of course, they'll have to get the poor things spayed or neutered before they take them home.

Hollywood reform
Two things will rid us of the crop of bloated Hollywood "talent" who keep clogging the studio system and making those ugly plastic excuses that they pass off as movies. First, the Screen Actors Guild and the studios will butt heads again, and this time they won't be able to come to a meeting of the-well, we'd say "minds," but that would be flattery. Anyway, a strike will ensue. All of the big-budget so-called talent who've forgotten how to wait tables (Mr. Eszterhas, we're looking at you) will starve to death.

Those who don't succumb to hunger will have already left the country, thanks to the election of our 43rd President. Alec Baldwin and a host of other middleweight hacks pledged to leave the U.S. if Dubya won. He has, and we're assuming these stars will keep their promises. (No one from L.A. would lie, would they?)

This is even better than it sounds: With all of those actors, directors and producers dead, the stage will be set for people with original ideas and actual talent to make great movies.

Dubya in translation
A beleaugered Bush administration will announce the creation of a new Cabinet-level position: Presidential Interpreter, so the People can actually understand what the prez means when he says things like "We'll let our friends be the peacekeepers and the great country called America be the pacemakers."

Although Bush's favorite candidates can't fit the White House gig into their schedules ("No, Mr. President, Dustin Hoffman was just acting in Rain Man. No, sir, I'm sorry-same thing goes for Tom Hanks. Sir, that's not a bad idea, but Yogi Berra is dead.")

But lo, the solution will be close to home, and familiar with the executive office. Dan Quayle will accept the position gratefully.